Being human, a lesser mortal actually, I have limited ability to notice, feel, understand, and engage. I am partly selective, but more than that its actually the limitation of an ordinary person. So I should not be punished for not being able to relate to the world of sin and cos, thermodynamics, electrons, gravity, organic compounds and such scary impressive sounding things. I can still manage to relate to how the economy functions, how individuals make choices, why we behave the way we behave in society, why some companies make more profit than the others, how do we know what we know, why country x fought against country y, and how my life is a tiny insignificant bit compared to everything else that goes around me. Hence the bias, you see.

Now that I have proved myself capable of mentioning few impressive terms and cleverly making a case of humanities through curious questions, I can move to the actual content of my mind right now.

In a social psychology class the topic for discussion was 'inter-personal attraction.' From various research experiments, we got to know what attributes have been crucial for making a person attractive, and how looks can be instrumental. And for the millionth time I wondered how looks can win you things. 

May be I have gone to all wrong places, or may be I had all wrong experiences. But it seemed as if the world is divided between the good looking people and the others. Life is easier for them on many occasions. They need not explain their reason of existence, they can easily get favors, get things done, have higher self esteem and confidence, get cream jobs, have higher chances of finding partners, have 100% guaranteed attention at the first sight, and are treated better. 

This is my opinion. And from this opinion you would already know that I am on the 'other' side and tend to judge with the have-nots lense. And the reason this bothers me is this is just like the caste system, you are born with it and have little control over it and yet it can make or break your life on many occasion. 

Actually I am not above this bias. I like to watch movies when the cast has lot of good looking people. I notice the better than average looking junta in the crowd. I have been apprehensive of getting married to someone extremely dark, or with some stark weird features. I have tried to look better, with help of clothes, hairstyles, and what not! And most of all, I have wanted to look better, I have wanted that easy breezy life of a pretty girl, of not having to go through so much crap, put up so much effort for every small little things. 

And I have realized, the more you think of it, the more you harm yourself. Like caste, you can camouflage your looks, but you cannot change it and become Katrina Kaif! I have also learned that a thing of beauty is joy for ever....but beauty can be beyond the looks. I have actually known people who have nothing noticeable in their looks, but the moment you get to know their strengths, good nature, wisdom, and other endowments that are not so easy to notice in the first sight, or that doesnt come by birth, my faith in this world is reinforced. 

Then I stop worrying about the differential standard by which I am made to live.

Going back to the beginning of the post, differential standard will also apply if you are more of a humanities person that the science and engineering world, but lets just take one issue at a time!

Do you believe that life can change in seconds? I have never! What I have seen and realized that changes do not come in discrete packages, suddenly, without mine having any inkling. Sure changes have taken me by surprise for a minute or two before things sink in. Sure I have been swept off my feet. But only because I was unprepared, or I refused to see things without tinted glasses. 

Reality is often much more painful than dreams. It comes slowly, crouching or crashing, and you kind of feel it and realize it fully, at least partly. You have built up expectations, and then the good news comes. Once that has become reality, it all seems assuring. But days and days before, you had hoped for that job offer, promotion, good results, that relation working out, that dream coming true. You had wanted it badly, you ad imagined what if it happens, what if it does not. Similarly, when the dark days come, they come with some prior ominous signals. You take time to accept it, you take a hell lot of time to see beyond 'why me!'. But sooner or later you shrug off, learn the ways of the world, take things as they come. The surprise surprise actually stays for a moment. Of course the more unprepared you are, the more room you have to be surprised. This is wise me saying. But does life actually go like this? Not quite!

Okay whats the point of writing all this? The point is for all I say, I have been suddenly taken by surprise by some silly little incident.  

I can literally divide the last eight and half years into two - when I knew I am going married to Gem, and when I knew its not happening. For past two months things have been much more certain as the venue is booked, rings are bought, families have met, tickets are booked, invitations have been sent, wishes are being received every now and then. So we know we are getting married. 

Two days back when Gem and I were shopping together for his sherwani etc., he came out of the trial room  in a sherwani pagdi joota avatar, and I was literally swept off my feet....not because he looked good or anything, because its at that precise moment the thought hit me that here is my groom! Like a stupid teenage girl I fell in love with him all over again. 

I should also add that this feeling stayed only for a fleeting moment. Quickly the other reality returned and we started arguing over what to get and what not to - a state where I felt more assured and comfortable than the a-h-a state! 

If I were actually traveling as per my plans, I would have covered one-third of Earth by now. Okay, I am a student, with limited means and limited time. So all I can do is plan, plan. But gradually I have learned to make plans that are easier to turn into reality. So this year I thought I will start with modest plans like the Bull Temple, Cubbons park....no no I was joking. I have made the mistake of ambitious plans, yet again!

First thing first, my most awaited, and most exciting plan: trip to Ladakh!!!!! This one I have 'earned' by achieving my target in running. I can already imagine myself standing amidst the bare valleys and the deep blue sky, shouting 'if there is a heaven on earth, it here, its here, its here.' If all goes well, I would have finished my comprehensive exams by July and can go to ladakh. Since Ladakh is so so far away it makes sense to also extend the trip a bit to include Kashmir as well. So there goes my 10-15 days in July/Aug.

July/Aug sounds so distant. What about something before that? May be like in May? Because thats the time the rhododendrons will be in full bloom in the Yumthang valley. We initially planned a trip to Sikkim right after the wedding (somehow I cant stand the institutionalized term for it so I will call it immediately-after-wedding-trip) and got all gung-ho about it booked tickets etc. Then one by one the practical problems started surfacing and we thought lets just keep it for a later occasion. So may be its Yumthang in May '12. 

That still leaves us some place to go after the wedding. So for the time being, God's own country will suffice. I thank God for having kept a beautiful convenient place so close to IIMB for students like me who will anyway miss so many classes for her wedding that cannot go to Sikkim, or Ladakh right now. There is also another not-so-secret agenda for choosing Kerala. I had decided that in 2012 I will do the whole western coastline of India. Ideally I would like to take a month off and travel from Dwaraka to Kanyakumari covering the whole stretch of Gujarat, Konkan, and Malabar coast by train and road. But ha ha. Thats such an absurd idea. A month off? Who have heard of such a thing? So I modified my plan to do this in 3/4 bits. And I wont repeat the places I already have been to, except Goa. In March I will start with Malabar coast and later will drag others to join me in this project of mine. I am saving the east-coast for 2013. 

So this is my started modest turned ambitious travel plan for this year. What are you upto in 2012?

But how many times we get what we want! especially time.

Last three days IIMB was celebrating its annual cultural fest. So many new faces, so many things going on. I saw all these young talented confident people with lots of dreams in their eyes - it felt so good! There was lot of life around it seemed. Small things that define cuteness for me. Buying one plate of food and sharing it among the five of them, doing makeup for a friend, helping someone tie a right knot, singing together besura and real loud, sitting together doing nothing yet faces beaming just like that. 

The thing with me is I enjoy less in present and go back to past quite unnecessarily. So I was transported back to my younger days. I had very good friends, and we managed to have lots of fun together, but all in quiet little ways. Usually I am the one who talks the most (evident!), who is dominating, who get along with people who are quiet and tolerant. The kind of fun you can have with them is very different. 

But most of my college life was spent trying to be a little more dead, to be serious, to think about the coming years etc etc. Everything I did that did not match the societal norms was so hard for me to deal with later, at some point I just decided to be the most boring person with most non-happening life. I regret it now. Not because I saw a bunch of barely twenties in last three days....but because I think trying hard to change your personality is not a good idea. Okay I still want to change a few things about me, like the procrastinating bit, like the junkfood craving bit, like the getting high on shopping bit. But now I think I made a mistake by agreeing to toe the line. I should have continued as the thoughtless irrational nonjudgemental carefree bold girl - the image I continue to carry in my mind. 

I wish I had not cultured inhibition to dancing, to sports, to public speaking, to shout back 'damn you!' to anyone who bother me. For all I know I am never the person I tried so hard to become. And the funniest bit is I never really succeeded either-ways! 

Shopping has not killed any woman I know, cant say the same for the guy whose card gets swiped though. Anyways now I am all set to revise my opinion. Shopping is almost killing me. Unimaginable and unconvincing as it may sound, I am having killer shopping expeditions! All this is just for the trousseau, rest of the wedding preparation is yet to start. I think by the time Gem and I go through all that plus the hazaar irritating meaningless rituals, we might as well change our minds about marriage. Okay, coming back to the point, wedding shopping is a royal pain. Those who have been through, I claim your empathy. Those who are waiting for their turns, I assure you of my sympathy.  

The Economists have not exaggerated the role of price discovery system, exchange mechanisms, and information asymmetry in market transaction. My shopping experience finds support for all of the above!

I do not know Bangalore market. I cannot go to other cities for this shopping. Story of student life - bound by a bunch of class scheduling. I cannot sit doing nothing and thinking I might do it in Bhubaneswar. I know I wont like anything in Bhubaneswar. So that brings me back to doing most of my shopping from Bangalore - one of the worst places to do your wedding shopping.

I dont know where to get what. I collect all advice, wisdom, directions, tips. I go here and there. I dont get half of the things on my list. Or if I get, I dont like it. Or if I like it I cannot afford it. 

Also I have to travel like one hour to reach the shops. The auto ricks guys will drop at random places as unless you speak kannada, which I dont. Then I keep walking and walking. Unlike the stores in North Usman road of Chennai, or Chandnichowk of Delhi, here shops are located at considerable gaps and so you must walk a lot. If I go the fancier stores, they expect you to spend at least 50k on one saree which I wont. Then  I go to the one notch down, they again expect you to speak kannada and buy mysore silk sarees, which I wont. Then I get tired, get hungry, get bad headache, I make way in the crowd pushing each other, and reach home exhausted. Then I gather courage and go to buy gold. I absolutely hate this part of the shopping. The shiny blingy yellow things staring at me and I feel very cheap to wear any of those 'precious' metal. And I convince myself that may be its not so yellow, may be its just mandatory to buy, may be blah blah. Then I decide to be wise, go to Tanishq, get the gold shopping done and return home. Thank you Ratan Tata for saving me, and thank you Tanishq for making gold a little less yellow for people like me.

Everyone in the sales line is so aggressive -  I wonder why? Whatever sanity left with me goes away as I encounter these pushy salespeople. Why will I ever buy makeup things that I will never wear, do not know how to wear, does not look good on me, does not fit my bill. It takes lot of time to explain this to the ladies at the counter though. And how to explain them that my buying decisions are not so much influenced by the product itself, but more driven by the prettier boxes that comes with it. Yes, I am very superficial and go a lot by look of the things than quality or utility.

Sometimes I get thing which are pretty nice and I feel its okay to buy, but my heart is not 100% happy. So I get confused. Sometimes I canot decide whether that fuschia is better or ochre is better, so I get both sarees. Most of the times if I like the design, I dont like the fabric, or the color and the cycle repeats. I thought I will never get the wedding saree that I really like. After walking out of three stores (which is huge for me) I finally go to a store which looks promising but none has recommended this place to me. I shortlist three sarees. I wear the one I picked up first and realize that this is that saree I have been looking for! If it must be red, let it be very RED! So I go ahead and buy the reddest thing in my whole wardrobe and tick off the first line of my shopping list :)

And the biggest hassle is struggling with 'budget' and not able to make compromises accordingly. Astronomical tags that I would not believe anyone will pay such prices for that stuff! Then I realize the truth content of "recession ho ya inflation, log shaadi pe kharch to karenge hi". These are the only times when I seriously wish I still had my job, so that I could have splurged without thinking twice. Anyway I am lucky and someone came down to do this for me, she took me to places and pampered me so much which I think only siblings can do for each other.

After four such shopping expeditions of 10am to 10pm, scouting chappa chappa of commercial street, MG road and Jaynagar, after exhausting all my savings and credit card and Gem's credit card and a huge dent on my sister's card - I could finally strike off 90% of the 'to buy for me' list. Next few days we will do the 'to buy for Gem' list, and 'to make for me' which is the royal pain called visiting the tailor etc. 

All these days I come back so exhausted, I have to take painkiller. I think my tolerance for crowd, noise, and pollution has come down because of the campus stay. But anyway the shopping ended quite well so far. I got my dream engagement ring, got cute makeup box, and a red saree I could manage to like. I got things which I thought are elegant enough for me as well as which are blingy enough for me. I only wish it was all affordable enough. I feel a little guilty about the money part seriously. I wish I had saved some for this event which I always imagined to be happening minus all these typical arrangements.

In this whole experience I have a few things going on in my mind. Everyone makes me feel as if wedding is a big thing. Is it really? As if I should try my best to look good in my wedding pictures. Why? I will anyway like those photos no matter how I look! Everyone also make me feel as if I should not deviate the tradition, I dont want to talk more on this as I already did in one of the previous posts. I keep getting all these tips and advice I dont know what to do with. What to apply on face, what to eat, how to care for hands and feet, what all to buy etc etc. All with good intention I know. But it brings me back to the point how important is this one day? So far my two most important days have been the day I committed myself to Gem, and the day I got my first job offer. Is this wedding day going to be even more special than those two days? And point to be noted that neither of those two days demanded this much material preparation though took lot of mental preparation. So now that I have given so much time to this 'wedding' preparation, it better live up to the hype!

I had planned on skipping this one for three reasons. One, these days my plans of going and watching amovie is becoming highly elusive unreal unachievable - so plan to skip is a real and sensible thing to do. Second, remakes are tricky and I have been a huge AB fan - so risking to go watch Hritik is a risk I did not want to take. And third, Hritik himself! He probably is a great actor and all that - but I never quite liked him after Kaho na... To me he always seemed to be lacking something, I dont appreciate his looks, I cant stand his flared nose and his look-I-can-bend-my-body-so-much dance moves, and his so I-am-above-bollywood-falling-short-of-hollywood kind of expressions. Oh I dont know why I have so much against him? May be the trauma of watching Jodha-Akbara first day first show is still fresh in my memory. 

But this time I should give it one more try. Because this movie will be so dramatic, and because I get to hear so much praise about it. 

But when will I get to watch I dont know. Tomorrow whole day class. Day after whole day shopping. Sunday  whole day writing that paper. Monday classes again!

This brings me to the other sad thing I wanted to write about. This wedding is actually taking a toll on my studies. I am distracted like never before. There is so much talking and discussion to do, so many tickets to book, arrangements to be done, and yes, shopping which is killing me. Then there are invitation mails that must be sent. and follow ups to be done. Lists, lists and more lists to be made, discarded, freshly made. So yeah wedding thing is not at all over hyped. And my lesson: NEVER MARRY WHEN YOU ARE STUDYING. or NEVER STUDY WHEN YOU ARE GETTING MARRIED. period.

Instead of chewing this salad, I made a fruit salad with ice cream which looked all lumpy bumpy but tasted ten times better than this tricolor. And I did not take picture of that because I dont want you to start craving for ice cream and fruit salad. 

I wonder where all my patriotism is gone. Why on a republic day I am not thinking about my country, my people, and the future of this great democracy. Why I am not discussing the sad state of our politicians, why everyone is so obsessed with Sachin's 100th 100, how bollywood captures more than half of most news dailys. I am not intellectual, and not at all pseudo intellectual. So let me eat my icecream, and post pictures of tricolor salad. Today being a national holiday, and you all being the citizens of this great democracy please do whatever you think is worth doing. If it is going for the Big Bazaar's sabse sasta challenge, or a movie, or lazing on bed whole day - yes you have earned it! 

What will I do? I am trying hard to stretch a t-shirt which I thought I got the right size, but apparently it is not the right size. So today evening when Unmaad - the cultural fest of iimb will start and everyone will wear that silly t-shirt, I will be the odd one out unless I can stretch it enough to get into it. Hard life.

Enjoy your day!

I like my fish with lots of tomatoes - like everything else I eat with lots of tomatoes. And I love the feel of coconut mixed with curd and the slight crunch added by the onions. And to end it with a sweet lingering taste the feel of datepalms soaked in tangy tomato gravy.....yummmm.

After this all I need is three glasses of water and a nice afternoon siesta!

What is all this noise about Monday blue by the way? :P

In one of the episodes in the Lizzy McGuire show, Gordo says: Why do we have to give in to all these peer pressure?. Lizzy's reply: Because they are our peer, and they put pressure on us! How apt.

I have always tried to fight this peer pressure and to live my life more in the 'sadda haq' style. I know how I have failed more than I have succeeded. After I did this massive wedding shopping for last 2-3 days I sat back and thought a bit about everything that has been going on in past few days.

This wedding is a difficult dream come true, it is very special for me. Past few years in my life has been very trying. And the fact that this relation survived so much and the we realized how this relation is probably the biggest part of me and him. For this and this alone, I wanted the wedding to be a celebration of this sacred relation and to keep it simple. Sadly, I massively failed here. In this context I am reminded of a few lines by a great oriya poet who wrote "icha mate kahu chaliba ba jana, samaaje nijara nuhe nija mana" which means: "how do you live the your heart wants, in this world your heart is not always yours". So this wedding seems to be more than what I had thought of. In the whole process of planning this I have succumbed to a lot of peer pressure, plus have to accept a lot from the family point of view which I really dont want to. Thinking about all this made my heart heavy, but now that I have started writing it all I feel much lighter!

The first struggle started with decision on the wedding venue. I wanted to get married in Bangalore, in that MDC conference hall of IIMB which is 5 min walk from my hostel room in my regular pace and 3 min in fast pace. They have nice clean toilet, drinking water, a lot of brain related history - almost everything I like. But peer pressure says weddings take place at bride's home. Which meant I will travel from Bangalore to Bhubaneswar, Gem will travel from Bangalore to Patna, he will come from Patna to Bhubaneswar with the baraat, then all of us will travel back to Patna, and then Gem and I shall return to Bangalore. I know you all are sensible intelligent efficiency oriented free minds. But people putting peer pressure are quite the opposite. So we all this crazy travel, just to get married.

The next was on wedding time. Weddings have to be during the night for whatever reasons. My reasoning on this was: night wedding means me, my parents, Gem - we all fast for the whole day and wait for the wedding.....we lose enthusiasm, drained out and sleepy by the time wedding starts and it just makes the whole process more painful and thats what most Indian weddings are about - making it elaborately painful and complicated!
I object!

I shall not have it. I am in good mood during morning and I will marry Gem in my full sense and I will not fast for the whole day waiting for my groom. I will not have the camera light action drama. So there will be no 'roshani' in the baraat procession, no crackers, no fancy lightings, no sleepy bride and groom in my wedding. But again my point is the shine should come from the people, the laughter, sun and fun and not from the lights in the mandap. I had to fight real hard to get things 'my' way. Now I am going to be married by lunchtime. What a relief! Its like finishing off the morning classes and then eating the lunch in a relief dreaming about the nap that I am entitled to. I am not sure about the nap part post-wedding, but at least the prospect of lunch is a comfort :D

Then the 'baap' of all headaches - the details of the wedding ceremony itself. 

I wanted the wedding to be about us, to signify the importance of this relation and not to lose it in the chaos of endless ceremonies. I hate rituals. I feel rituals make everything so shallow, steals the essence of the very thing. So yes I wanted to sign a paper get done with it. At best a simple wedding in a temple, with few close people. Here I fought and I lost. The wedding has to be of a certain type, a certain scale, and a certain everything else that will make the whole thing meaningless. 

I could not hurt my parents, I thought lets do the win some lose some way. I get to marry Gem, in return I let them do it the way they want. Of course Gem thinks this is the wisest bit I have done for my parents so far. He is a victim of another kind of peer pressure I tell you!

Once things started getting finalized the snowballing started as well. whom to invite, what to do, what to buy etc etc. Gem believes doing things in 'traditional' way as that would give our families max happiness. I being the rebel want everything unconventional. There is some strange kind of stubbornness that just wont leave me.  Like its impossible to reason out with mothers about the importance of gold! Thus started another round of negotiation between me and my mother. I do not like the yellow metal, as of now. I might grow to like it some day. But on my wedding I do not want a coating of yellow on my neck. This pains my mother. For her, gold is auspicious, lucky, and the bride must wear it. The best solution we could arrive at was I will wear a gold necklace which is mostly stones and little bit of gold covering. So she wins, I win too!

A lot of this gradual add up was my fault too. Especially the shopping bit. Years ago I had bought the simplest red-gold saree I saw as my wedding saree. Years ago I think I was much simpler person, much less of a shopper, way much less bothered about what to wear etc. Now things have changed. So for past two months I have been buying sarees like I am going to open my own store! I did not want to wear the cliched red saree now. I have made my sister roam around half of Rome to get me a red coat, I admit. But a red wedding saree? is like these b-tech mba degrees - must haves in our society and anything else is not valued really. To wear that onion pink saree is like inviting a lot of raised eyebrows. Besides I like the color red! So I changed my plan and got another red saree which looks quintessential bridal and I am loving it! The rest of the shopping was really painful because I wasnt sure about what all to buy, where to get, what will go with what - all added up to lot of hard work.
So I am taking a break right now to pause and think about all that I am doing. What all matters really? Why am I so tempted to buy this and that in the excuse of a wedding? Am I drifting too much from the core, doing the very thing myself that I have accused many others? I dont know. Amidst all this I have this constant worry that things might not go so well, there will be some last minute issue and we really dont know whats going to happen. If not perfect, I just want this wedding to be over, peacefully and without much fuss.

I would not score very well. With five elder siblings at home, I never really got much chance to shug off the 'kid' tag and grow up! I am emotionally unstable like kids. I cannot get the idea of then and there, for me everything has to be now and here. My projections are rarely rational, and never pragmatic. Like when I was sick last week I thought I would never ever get completely as good as before, I cannot run and play anymore.  I sincerely believed that. Only two days later I realize I am as good as before! Like when I am happy I feel as if nothing in this world can stop me from being on that cloud nine. When worries and panic strike me, I dont know what to do and how to deal with it and the sinking drowning feeling is just too overwhelming. 

But with these difficulties, I have my share of good times too. The enthusiasm and curiosity of a child makes sure I find happiness in many things many a times. It also kind of insulates me from the rest of the world, I dont get much bothered by many things. I dont have much innocence, but I appreciate innocence very much. And I always find reasons to do lot of ex-post rationalization of my stupidity :D

We have been told there are 'age appropriate behavior' and we often live by it. Very well. I do my best trying to behave my age. I fail more often than I succeed. But hey, getting in touch with the inner child is not too bad! Like seeing is believing, believing is knowing and thinking! You are what you believe you are, or you think who you are. Dont be the stupid kid like me all the time, but also dont let the child in you die.

Today was a day stolen out of the daily grind. Yesterday night when I went to bed utterly exhausted after working for 48 hrs, I had decided tomorrow will be my 'break' day! I will do nothing useful, and will indulge in randomness. So I did :) 

The first thing I did was to take random roads and went on riding the scooter zip zap zoom trying to race with cars and other rider for no reason. I felt so liberated! Then suddenly I felt hungry and decided its time for lunch. I thought I will eat something really experimental, but I was so hungry that I ended up eating a whatever came quickest. Then it was shopping time. Here also I had decided to be experimental. But when I saw the price tag of the watch I thought of buying by being experimental, I had to drop the idea. In the stores I went to all the corners I usually ignore. I was duly rewarded for this, went to a jaipur saree place and got a saree in the nicest shade of yellow I could ever like. 

By then I was so tired, I could sleep inside the mall itself. But no I did not. I ventured here and there. Ate a blueberry cheesecake just to prove the point that today new year resolutions are not applicable to me. Went to a cafe, grabbed a nice place and played my fav game on mobile. Did a lot of people watching. Stopped at three places for 5-6 minutes just to see how the world around me is moving. Fascinating fascinating things to see! I would probably never be bold enough for street photography, but then I decided I have a photographic memory and I can make use of that!

After this very long and tiring outing I was back in the sanctuary of my room. I would love some sound sleep, but the bed is cluttered with all the in-the-room-fashion-show I was doing for myself trying out new and old clothes. In times such as this, I wish I had a magic wand!

Anyway, the main point I wanted to make is random indulgences and activities that does not make any sense on an unplanned day can be a good idea to break the mundane routine of life. Only make sure notto clutter the room and especially the bed. 

We decided that we will work together more and more. We complement each other so well in work, some of the best memories of or relation are the times when we worked together on something. So starting this year, we have started writing two papers together. We hope to finish one by 16th and submit it to a conference. 

We decided not to discuss people. During our evening walks, or meals, or any other time when we are generally talking about things, whenever one of us start mentioning person x or y, the other makes it a point to stop it and creating a diversion by either telling a joke, some interesting facts, or commenting on weather or trees. Life is very peaceful now. And the best part it our life is becoming about us, not about him or her or them or those. 

We decided to do small acts kindness more frequently than before. And I think its best when done unnoticed, and not talk much. We are doing on both fronts :)